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Malchom's Woods: A Jurassic World Spoof
Malchom's Woods: A Jurassic World Spoof is a comedic take on the novel from Carnotaur. Overview This story is a spoof of Carnotaur's novel, Malchom's Woods. It is includes new characters, like Roy, and Josephine Malchom, and changes the personas of others. Chapter 12: Welcome to Chili's! The two and a half stooges Cortez's men were bored. They stood, and laid there, quiet, and still. The first one, was Ricardo, a thin man with a glass eye, Leonardo, a big man, with a tattoo that said in Spanish: “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on...“ The tattoo artist had forgotten the saying, and had just left it, and Leo never noticed it. The final was Roy, the youngest. He wore a shirt, with a image of Gumby on the back. Leonardo was the only one not laying down. He was eating a Tamarind'*' flavored candy roll, his big back up against a boulder, with graffiti on it. His graffiti, of Super Mario jumping on a Goomba. Very abstract, and mysterious was his style. He thought he could become the new Picasso. The others were on their stomachs, looking over a ledge, which was part of a large desert mountain. Below, the thug's eyes watched the road, the black path of infinity, for travelers. All the men knew of course, that there would most likely never be anyone coming. No sane Human being would come this way. This was truly the easiest job in the world. So they just stayed there, the men's weapons ready to fire at the phantom travelers... after some time, Ricardo noticed Leonardo eating the roll. He wondered what it was, so the man asked. Leo told Ricardo what it was. Suddenly, Ric jumped up, and ran toward him. He snatched the roll up, and threw it over the ledge, over Roy's head, and down to the road. Leo never had time to say another word. A argument started up between them, but I can not reproduce the conversation in Google translate, so here is a summary: Ricardo was sickened by Leonardo's carelessness. How could he do such a thing around Roy? Leo, of course, was very confused, and asked Ric what the problem was. He explained that Roy's twin brother, Leroy, had died from an allergic reaction. It had been caused by a Tamarind. Roy was never the same, mentally speaking, because of this. Ricardo believed that the man had the same disorder as his deceased twin. The argument continued for awhile, none coming to the wanted conclusion, for there was much to talk about, such as artificial Tamerind-flavor... Roy was laying on his belly as the two other men fought over something. Something called "Tender Rinds". The topic made him hungry, and his stomach gurgled. He wanted to go get some dried pork rinds now. He made three mental notes to stop by Tod's Snakin' Shack, to pick some up. A bad of homemade rinds only cost three bottle caps, and Roy had saved up his money: he had four caps. He could scam Tod again no doubt. He was a good con-artist. He once scammed a old blind man to sell him a unsharpened pencil. That meant, the man had to sell him a sharpener as well! He smiled to himself. Oh yes, he was a very crafty... He began to come up with one liners to yell, when they saw someone. He would need something when he unloaded lead into them. Only after he spoke the prophetic words, would he strike. Memes went through his half brain that he could use: "Hi, welcome to Chili's!", "I too like to live dangerously...", "FBI open up!". His mind started to drift off. There were so many, he could not decide. Then, he noticed a cactus, standing there, it's arms raised in aggression! He felt a electric shock go through his spine, like he was riding the lightning. Were under attack... he thought. Then he saw all the others standing around it. They too, had their many arms raised high, ready to strike. It was a raid. And the others didn't even know it. They were fighting about dried pig skin, while their lives were about to be ended. It was up to him, agent 0017, as he named himself, and he knew what Cortez would want him to do... *Tamarinds(Tamarindos), are plant pods that have a, brown, egg-like shell. Inside, they have stone-hard seeds incased in sour flesh. They are a common Mexican treat. Far out Joshua Malchom drove up the mountain road, passing Saguaro cactus as he went. He was taking it easy, listening to his music. As he watched the land scape, he came up with one word to describe it: Far out... well that was two words, but no issue. The Sun was behind him, blasting it's rays to the rear of the vehicle, which was a Volkswagen, with Pink Panther art all over. Every time he got out, he looked at the modern art, and felt a chipper feeling go through. "Far out," was also a word to describe it as well. The setting orb of heat gave the land a twilight-feel, making him think of his favorite childhood TV show. His favorite episode was the one where mannequins get to come to life one day out of the year. That one gave him chills, but nothing as close to the episode of Ultra-Q(a Japanese version of The Twilight Zone), where a giant flower started growing from a building. The windows were down, and a gentle breeze came through, as he drove slow and steady down the road. He took a sip of his warm Budweiser, which had a sour taste, but no bother. To get rid of the foul taste on his tongue, he delicately bit into a mini pie. He smacked his lips as he ate. Nothing could kill his cheery mood. Almost. "Joshua," said a strange, but familiar voice behind him. "can you please change the music?" It was Josephine, his younger sister. However, she looked older than him, a product mostly because she had a strange condition which made her age faster than normal. She herself said she liked the disorder, because she wanted to look old and wise. She was twenty-two, four foot, six inches, and had a slight overbite. The woman also had one mole on her temple, which always grew out black, two-inch hairs, which no matter how much you plucked them out, would never go away. Josie's shorter-than-average height earned her the name, "The Hobbit Of Glen Rose." Her hair was mostly shaved. The exception was the little bit on top, which was short, and held so neatly together by a dirty yellow bow. She may have looked like a mistake, but she did have here achievements: She once broke the record for the shortest person in her neighborhood. She never got anything for that, though. Josephine was also the first person to play baseball with live grenades as well... she won the game, because she was the pitcher, not the batter. However, Josephine Goodberry Malchom was a kind, slightly intelligent, and intriguing person, if you never met her. Now, she was with her big brother Joshua, going to Area 51 for the big raid. When she had learned of the news from her brother, which he had learned from Edward Stevenson, she was excited! Ed had told them of this event with his last words. He passed away from choking on a burnt piece of his turkey bacon. A fitting end to the man. It seemed the raid was his deepest, darkest secret, and he had decided to reveal it to Joshua. "No," Joshua replied in a icy tone. "You can listen to yours when I stop for a bathroom break." "But that takes you only a few minutes!" she said, now pouting. "Don't care." "But I do.." "That just made me care even less." Just then, Ember, their fluffy, and dandruff ridden pet Velociraptor popped up behind Josephine. "Hey Meaty," he said. "can I learn something?" Josh put on a plastic smile that could paralyze a killer clown. "'You see that? That's a cactus." He pointed to a old Saguaro. "If you get pricked by it's thorns, you could get a infection." The Raptor said: "Can I? Can I touch it? Please?!" Josh didn't answer, but just turned up the music. He told them to shush it, and he took another sip of his Bud. His mouth was met with the sour taste once more. Once more there to counteract the taste, his favorite band, Bread, was playing their 1972 hit, "Aubrey", from their album, "Manna." He continued to drive on, his pet Raptor and sister in the back, whispering about what they would find in Area 51... The short tale of the Cacti Killer: A recent epic of bravery, and utter ignorance, and the other people involved in the brief battle of the succulent plants, compiled late in the year 2019 Most of the cactus were full of bullet holes, that were releasing wispy gray trails of smoke. No blood flowed from their prickly bodies There stood the slayer of the plants: Roy. His rifle was still aimed at the things, with a smile of joy on his face, of utter stupidity. His body was tense, his small muscles barely bulging, and his arms sweaty from the energy he had managed to squeeze out. He had destroyed the green army of evil, and now it was time get a body count: One, two, three... he lost count. Ricardo was yelling at him, while Leo just stood staring wide eyed. At least he is amazed at the skill, thought Roy. They both came up to him, and Ric grabbed his gun away, still throwing words at him. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can still hurt me. To make sure they didn't, he talked right back at them. Hadn't they realized those were jumping cactuses? They could have jumped right over and sliced up the three. And if Roy hadn't shot at them, their doom would have hopped onto them. They both stopped talking, and stared at him with blank expressions. Ricardo looked at Leonardo and said in Spanish: "That why no Tamerindo." Afterward, the three men were back to their usual routine, lay down, watch road, sit up, lay down, watch road. Everything was the same, until they heard strange music coming from the distance... Discussions of the third kind Josh was still driving through the high Arizona mountains. He had finished his beer, and was now listening to his companions argue, and debate. Ember was trying to explain to Josephine that the capital of America was not in Colombia, it on the US mainland. It was just called the District Of Colombia. Before that, he trying to make her understand that Rome was in Italy. It was not a city is Spain. Even before that, he was arguing with her. She was trying to say Isaac Newton created the apple. He told her no, he didn't create it, he just dropped one. Josephine won the debate by saying: "Well, I read it in a book! And you can't read." It was true, though. Ember could only read Mandarin. Time passed, and yet another debate started: ”Ember?" "Yes?" "Guess what?" "What?" "Just guess, Ember." "I have no clue what you are trying to say." "I think 2+2=5..." Ember stared at her, his fluffy eyelash raised high. "What are you talking about?" She said, "I think Orson Wells was right: Two plus two does add up to five. He used his book, 1984 to convey the message!" The Raptor looked over at Joshua, and said, "Meaty. Can you explain how you two are related?" Josh didn't answer, for he had drifted off into his day dreams, while the two started up again. He was remembering his old life as a low-budget actor. He used to love his job. Josh never become famous, but he did star in one film: Saving Private Bryan. A tragic tail of a space marine who travels to planet, U8-9, to save his comrade, Bryan, who was being held hostage by monstrous natives. He played the hero, Jimmy. The film was produced by the Extra-Terror-Estials film corporation. It was their first and last film. Now, most might say it was a knock-off of Saving Private Ryan. And yes, they did get some guy to pay hundreds of dollars in plastic surgery, to make himself look like Tom Hanks. They put his face on the cover, even though Hanks, or even his counterpart never made a appearance. This was done for stupid copyright reasons. The movie was a hit, taking in $1,000 within a year. It was straight to DVD, and got a 2% on IMDb, and on Google, 13% liked it. It was a flop, but Joshua Malchom always made sure to watch it every year, to celebrate the day it was released. "JOSHUA, STOP! A BABY!" This pulled him out of his dreamy state, and back into the real world. Josephine had yelled that there was a infant in the road, and he swerved to the left to miss it, even though he didn't know where it was. He hit the breaks. There, on the road, was a rodent of some sort running across the path. He had stopped for a rodent. He threw his head back at her. Josh yelled, "Baby?! Are you out of your mind? I thought there was a child in the road!" She didn't answer, but instead she had her face up against the glass, eyes wide, watching the thing run across the road. After it went into the desert brush, she slumped down, and let out a sigh. "You could have killed it, Josh." His face was red. "It was an animal, not a Human." "Doesn't matter!" she yelled back. "Yes it does, Josephine!" "Can I eat it?" Ember asked. A grand era The three men watched as a Volkswagen drove their way. Roy was the first to spot it, and had grabbed his weapon. So did the rest. From where it was, they could see it fairly well, and they could see it was covered in cartoons of some strange, American kind. The most interesting thing though, was not the physical part of the craft, but the sound. Among the sound of movement, came a loud burst of music. Yet there was another strange thing: They had seen it start to swerve, and then abruptly stop for no apparent reason. At least, not a reason they could see from outside the thing. Leonardo told them to get ready, and he grabbed his own gun, and charged it. It was now just a short distance away. They all felt their bodies go tense as by instinct. However, as it came closer, they were enchanted by the music it was letting forth from it's hull: In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida, honey, don't you know that I'm lovin' you? In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida, baby, don't you know that I'll always be true? Roy started listening to it, and lowered his formerly ready weapon, and stared out from a face so stupid-looking, you would think not even Roy could have made it. Yet he did. Oh, won't you come with me, and take my hand? Oh, won't you come with me, and walk this land? Please take my hand... The song was odd in a way. The lyrics also seemed to sung by a very drunk man. The men were puzzled by such music coming from this vehicle. All three were reminded of the 70's, a grand era of hippies, flowers, peace, mind-altering drugs, and much, much more. Ricardo still had his firearm raised, but he was looking at the thing with utter confusion. The two thug's thoughts were on how strange, and almost comical this was. But Leonardo started humming the tune. Since the BX evacuation, he had never heard his favorite song, for Cortez had banned all songs that were not composed by the dictator. Down below, the vehicle had now come right beneath them, an had ceased movement. The offer Joshua had stopped his vehicle, and was watching the three men above. At first, he thought they were going to be shot at. But his music it seemed had put them into a cheery mood. He looked back at Josephine, and Ember, to find them both staring at the trio. Josie was looking at one with a romantic gaze that could wither a tree. Ember was licking his maw. Joshua quickly threw back the rest of his bitter Bud, and tossed the bottle out on the road. The glass shattered. Josh then turned down the volume of his Iron Butterfly song that was playing. He called up to them, and said: "Hey, I see you like the jam! I feel ya, brothers!" As he did so, he held out the window, his piece of petrified wood, which had a peace symbol carved into it. He had done DIY rock art. He thought they may like his skill, of which he had put much effort into. It was far out. "You guy's wanna come down? he asked. "I got some pies, some ice water, and such. Maybe you guy's can come with us; we're heading to Area 51 to free our green brothers!" The response was slow, but suddenly, all but one raised their weapons. Then, one said, "WELCOME TO CHILI'S!!!" With that, the trinity on the mountain started firing their weapons at them. Bullets started hitting the wagon, and the automobile started to become like metal swish cheese. They all screamed, but none were harmed, for Josephine had jumped out of the vehicle, and was waving her arms, yelling: "Ricardo, Ricardo, let down your glass stair!" Ember yelled at her: "Get in stupid!" With that said, a bullet flew by his neck, almost destroying his fluffy hair. The climax of this story There below, Ricardo saw a woman had jump out of the automobile, and she was shouting, and waving her arms wildly. Stupid decision. He took aim for her head, and almost pulled the trigger, when she yelled his name, and something about glass. In that moment of fate, his heart began thumping like two pots smashing into concrete at high speed. Could it be? Could it really be so? Yes, it was her: Josephine Goodberry Malchom. She was standing down below, and he had almost shot her... Many years ago, the man used to be an illegal who lived in Glen Rose. He resided there for a while, finding what jobs he could. Then, one amazing day, Ricardo was taking the trash out for a gas station. As he carried his heavy load, he saw a woman digging in the garbage. He told her to get out of the trash. When she got out, he saw her face: It was beautiful! She had overbite made her look like she was smiling, and the hair was strangely shaved, but unique. In that moment, he fell in love. It seemed Cupid had fired his arrow into him, and had giving him a heart attack. A good attack, that is. She started to run away, but he stopped her. Ric couldn't speak very good Spanish, but she understood what he was asking for. He wanted to go on a date. The next week, they met at the McBurger Queen, and talked for hours. There, they ate the crappiest food in town, but her face made Ric forget the band-aid he found in his cheeseburger. They remained seeing each other for several months. After some time, she introduced him to Joshua. Joshua almost fainted when he saw the Mexican with the glass eye. He told him to get out, or he was going to do something. Josh thought she had hooked up with a mafia member. Joshua hid away in his room for five days, and wouldn't stop saying, "This world's gone". The BX was the thing that broke them apart, sadly, and he never saw her again, so Ricardo joined Cortez's gang. But now they were going to harm her if they didn't stop shooting. She was back, and he wouldn't let her be harmed by the two other buffoons. He yelled down in very broken English, responding to her request to look at her with his glass eye: "Josephine, Josephine, down your short hair!" She grabbed her bow, and ripped it off. I can't bear to explain what her hair looked like then, for I would go insane in the process. His heart was still pounding, and he needed her to get out of there, or she was going to get hurt. Ricardo yelled at them to stop firing, and they did. He looked down at her, and told her to leave. She just stood there, looking at him. He gestured again to drive away. Finally, she blew a kiss to him, and his heart pounded harder. Josephine climbed into the vehicle. He looked over at the others, and told them that they were not to fire again. They both looked at him like he was mad. The wagon started off, and he felt a pain inside. She was going away, again, but he was glad he had had one more chance to see her overbite. Every story has a ending, some need them more than most As Josephine jumped inside. Ember was playing dead, and Joshua was hunkered down in the front, frightened half to death. "Go, Josh, drive out of here!" He didn't move, until she kicked him in the arm. That got him going, and he slammed on the gas pedal, and almost burned the tires off. Josie looked back at the cliff, and saw her long lost love, standing there, his glass eye glimmering. They drove away, off into the distance, fleeing from the terrors of the hills. They were now on the road, driving slow now. Three stale mini pies later, Joshua Malchom was now calm. He sat in the seat, staring ahead at the road, as the holes in the vehicle, made by the many projectiles shot from the men, let wisps of cool air in. Josie was asleep, and Ember was chewing on a bone. He was lucky, he realized. He could have been shot by them, and the his participation in the raid of Area 51 would have been void. Everything turned out right though. So he drove on, slow and steady down the road to Nevada. It would not be too long until they would be able to free their space brothers from the government's grasp. His mind started to drift off to thoughts of him having a cold TV dinner in his old recliner. But he snapped out of it. All that mattered was the mission. And so, the young hero known as Joshua Elmer Malchom, his companion sister Josephine, and their Raptor Ember, continued on the path of destiny towards fate... Josh popped himself another beer. Trivia * Originally, story was to be published on Malchom's Woods birthday, July 31st. * Joshua Malchom has been changed to a hippie character. * In the story, the reason for the journey is for the three to join a raid on Area 51, which was a planned event in 2019, which became a meme. * The Bronco was changed to a Volkswagen. Characters * Joshua Malchom(hippie version) *Josephine Malchom *Ember(cartoon version) * Roy * Ricardo * Leonardo Gallery Category:JP Jokes Category:Parody Category:Comedy Category:Malchom's Woods page Category:Malchom's Woods Series page